A Lesson on Grief
Apr 10, 2020
As the warmth left the day and the sun started to go down, Lola left her dead babies' side, where she has stood all day long, Only now and again wandering out to grab a bite of grass before heading back to stand watch. Sometimes pawing at the lifeless body as if trying to get her to wake up. I stood with her for some time, giving her a groom and a good scratch, one of her favourite things. And just being together as we both grieved the baby that only knew love, as my good friend reminded me.
Chrome, who had stood at Lola's gate from the moment she went into labour had not gone far all day either. Staying near the gate watching on. When the time was right, Lola joined him. Sometimes just standing at rest next to each other and then grazing along the fence together.
The stillness in the night was peaceful at my last check before bed. Chrome lay sleeping and Lola stood beside him on the other side of the gate. As I walked over and Chrome stood to his feet, Lola knickered to him and turned to nuzzle him with milk dripping down her legs. Tears streamed down my face as I said goodnight to them and then Lindt as I passed her perfect body on the way out.
On morning, Lola was still off grazing near Chrome. She looked happy in herself and more or less the normal Lola I know. I wondered what it might have been like if I had not given her the opportunity to grieve in her own time.
I don't know what feelings she was going through, but I know that my own grief was strong. I let myself feel it because I know that in the past, I have been good at pushing hurt and pain down and carrying on.
I felt sadness, for Lola and for me. I felt guilty that I couldn't save her baby and make it all better and what would people think. I felt anger, that I'd done all the right things, and it didn't work out. Why us?!
I watched Lola go through the process she needed to. She lived in the moment and did what nature told her to do.
I always learn so much from the horse, but this was my first lesson on grief.
Today is better. Seeing Lola graze off out in the big paddock when I opened the gate made me feel at ease and Chrome who stood with the baby that he'd watched all yesterday from afar before joining Lola.
I'm trying to do my best for the horse and make it as close to nature as possible, for I see time and again in all parts of horse care, the damage that is done when we don't follow the code of life. It's when we take away the ability to live in the moment that problems are created.
Rest in peace sweet baby, Lindt. Being a part of delivering you, milking your mumma and feeding you by syringe and then cradling your head as you took your last breath, I will never forget. Xx